{"id":126514,"date":"2021-05-27T20:32:26","date_gmt":"2021-05-27T20:32:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/precoinnews.com\/?p=126514"},"modified":"2021-05-27T20:32:26","modified_gmt":"2021-05-27T20:32:26","slug":"ask-amy-perfectionist-wants-to-sleep-on-it-the-denver-post","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/precoinnews.com\/world-news\/ask-amy-perfectionist-wants-to-sleep-on-it-the-denver-post\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask Amy: Perfectionist wants to sleep on it – The Denver Post"},"content":{"rendered":"
Dear Amy:<\/strong> I have such a strong drive to be productive, to take action, to keep things organized, and to stay perfectly on top of everything.<\/p>\n This is good to a certain extent, but I am past that borderline.<\/p>\n I suffer from sleep issues — falling and staying asleep. Plus, constantly thinking about what needs to be done makes it difficult for me to enjoy being present in the moment.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t relax unless things are put away and mostly everything that needs to be done is done. My mom was like this, so I know I get it from her!<\/p>\n Years of being an operations manager further honed this trait.<\/p>\n Besides wanting to improve my health by getting better rest, I\u2019m also concerned that if my husband and I have children, I may be constantly stressed out because it\u2019ll be impossible to keep things clean and organized and keep on top of what needs to be done.<\/p>\n In my current job, my work-life balance is pretty good, and during weekends or vacations, I don\u2019t think about work much, so — things could be worse.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve tried meditation, but it didn\u2019t connect well with me. I\u2019ve seen a therapist for years, but he hasn\u2019t been much help with this particular issue.<\/p>\n How do I learn to become OK with being still and to rest better?<\/p>\n — Just Like Mom<\/em><\/p>\n Dear Just Like:<\/strong> Perfectionism is often inherited, and this trait can have real, lasting and unhealthy consequences. You don\u2019t mention what your childhood was like, but I assume that your desire to change might be a product of the insight you\u2019ve gained from your mother\u2019s experience.<\/p>\n Did your mother hold a high-stress job similar to yours? If not, her lifestyle might have left more room for making things perfect at home.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t mention what led you to therapy, but — in my view \u2014 if your therapist isn\u2019t able to work with you successfully on some of these core issues, you should consider changing therapists. You might see some success with a form of \u201cexposure therapy,\u201d where you deliberately leave things undone, and gradually learn to cope with your reaction when life gets messy.<\/p>\n You should also see a sleep specialist. Being rested will help you to stop spinning.<\/p>\n I applaud your insight concerning the impact your tendencies would have on a family. Being a parent is the ultimate in \u201coperations management.\u201d It is a 24\/7 rollercoaster of challenges, joys, emotional swings, and — yes \u2014 the unique pain of stepping on Lego pieces in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n The parenting experience can lead high-strung people into a beautiful softening \u2013 but you can\u2019t count on that.<\/p>\n Your kids would be the first to notice how hard you are on yourself, and they could inherit the high-strung anxiety that goes along with that. One root cause of perfectionism is the belief that you aren\u2019t good enough, as you are.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a quote from Brene Brown\u2019s book, \u201cThe Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You Are Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are\u201d: \u201cUnderstanding the difference between healthy striving [that’s you at work] and perfectionism [you at home] is the key to laying down the shield and picking up your life.\u201d<\/p>\n Dear Amy:<\/strong> I have a friend I\u2019ve known for 20 years. We were lovers on and off for two years, but haven\u2019t been in touch for the past year.<\/p>\n He contracted me recently, saying that he wants me again, and wants me to help him figure out his feelings.<\/p>\n He has a pattern of making plans to meet up — and then nothing.<\/p>\n Should I believe everything he tells me?<\/p>\n — Wondering<\/em><\/p>\n Dear Wondering:<\/strong> It is not your job to help this man \u201cfigure out his feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n Based on your long and complicated history with him, you might choose to move forward in friendship — but nothing more. That\u2019s up to you.<\/p>\n You should be willing to listen, but skeptical, about any statements this man makes. Pay closest attention to what he does.<\/p>\n His actions will speak volumes. Believe them.<\/p>\n Dear Amy:<\/strong> I was intrigued by the question sent to you by \u201cNot Nameless Wife,\u201d whose partner of 20 years never called her by her name (but always \u201cHoney\u201d).<\/p>\n I immediately wondered if this man has Anomic Aphasia, which is the inability to retrieve words, names and numbers. That would explain his behavior.<\/p>\n — Researcher<\/em><\/p>\n Dear Researcher:<\/strong> Most respondents suggested that this man should be tested for a variety of brain disorders. All definite possibilities.<\/p>\n (You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)<\/em><\/p>\n