{"id":143820,"date":"2021-11-05T10:46:28","date_gmt":"2021-11-05T10:46:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/precoinnews.com\/?p=143820"},"modified":"2021-11-05T10:46:28","modified_gmt":"2021-11-05T10:46:28","slug":"ask-amy-a-granddaughter-requests-grans-bequest-the-denver-post","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/precoinnews.com\/world-news\/ask-amy-a-granddaughter-requests-grans-bequest-the-denver-post\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask Amy: A granddaughter requests gran\u2019s bequest – The Denver Post"},"content":{"rendered":"
Dear Amy:<\/strong> My grandmother recently died.<\/p>\n For me, she was like my third parent while growing up, because I spent so much time at her home.<\/p>\n From what I understand, there is no will. However, there are a couple of items from her home that I would like to have for sentimental reasons. (Specifically, a clock, and ashes from her dogs that I grew up with).<\/p>\n I don’t know the most appropriate way to ask either of her sons about the items. A big roadblock is that I’m not actually blood related to my grandma or her children (we are related through her ‘later in life’ marriage to my deceased grandpa).<\/p>\n She and I loved each other, but she did tell me there was some animosity\/jealousy with her blood relatives because of how close we were.<\/p>\n I don’t want to offend anyone, but I would really like these items before they are possibly sold or just thrown out.<\/p>\n What can I do?<\/p>\n — Missing my Grandma<\/em><\/p>\n Dear Missing:<\/strong> I appreciate that you have pointed out the intense and loving connection that can develop between step-relatives. It is a vital connection, and I\u2019m very sorry for this loss.<\/p>\n However, there is a whiff of entitlement in your query, and this is something you must shed if you are going to ask for material goods that belonged to your grandmother.<\/p>\n Start by acknowledging the loss her sons have experienced and thank them for sharing their mother with you.<\/p>\n Say, \u201cI hope this isn\u2019t too presumptuous, but I\u2019m wondering if you would be willing to pass along something that belonged to her, so I have a tangible reminder of her.\u201d Mention the items you\u2019re interested in receiving.<\/p>\n There is some likelihood that they will not respond at all to your request, or that they will respond negatively.<\/p>\n You should prepare yourself for that and understand that you may have to move forward without possessing the clock or the ashes.<\/p>\n Dear Amy:<\/strong> My brother married \u201cMartha,\u201d a woman 15 years older than he.<\/p>\n She has never made any attempt to be a part of our family.<\/p>\n In fact, she said her goal was to alienate him from us because he was a Mama’s boy.<\/p>\n Over the years we have had some very public meltdowns.<\/p>\n She has a habit of posting everything on Facebook. When that happens, my mother and I feel the need to retaliate.<\/p>\n Now they have newborn babies and will not let us be a part of their lives.<\/p>\n I have apologized to her for the things I’ve said and done in the past, but she took it as a chance to make a fight about it.<\/p>\n I honestly believe she is a narcissist.<\/p>\n Is there any way to repair this relationship?<\/p>\n My brother is nonconfrontational and will let her verbally abuse our mother.<\/p>\n His idea of \u201cmaking peace\u201d is to cut off all contact with us as a way to punish us, because we won’t just take her abuse.<\/p>\n He implied that she is mentally ill, and said we just need to let her say what she wants and leave it alone.<\/p>\n I’m not built that way. My personality is to defend my family.<\/p>\n Your advice?<\/p>\n — Defensive<\/em><\/p>\n Dear Defensive:<\/strong> People like \u201cMartha\u201d traffic in drama, which is fueled by toxic distortions, and then will \u201cpunish\u201d you in order to keep the game going.<\/p>\n For instance, she might refuse to let you see the children, and then accuse you of \u201cnot caring about the kids.\u201d<\/p>\n The only way to win at this game is to refuse to play.<\/p>\n Neutrality, politeness, unflappability — these qualities are kryptonite to Martha, because she needs a hard target. Any time you retaliate, you are giving her a gift, letting her be both the center of the action and the aggrieved party.<\/p>\n Detach completely from her on social media and don\u2019t respond to any postings, other than to say, \u201cthat\u2019s simply not true.\u201d<\/p>\n The response to verbal abuse should be to say, \u201cI don\u2019t like the way you\u2019re speaking to me, and so it\u2019s time to leave,\u201d and physically leave — or ask her politely to leave.<\/p>\n Focus on your brother — not on his wife. Understand that as long as he is with her, he and the children are vulnerable.<\/p>\n Dear Amy:<\/strong> Responding further to veterans who often get \u201cthanked for their service,\u201d when someone thanks me for serving in the United States Air Force, I thank them for paying their taxes.<\/p>\n — Proud of the USAF<\/em><\/p>\n Dear Proud:<\/strong> Great response.<\/p>\n (You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)<\/em><\/p>\n Subscribe to our weekly newsletter, In The Know, to get entertainment news sent straight to your inbox.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n