A THERAPIST has revealed sex scene "red flags" in top movies and TV – including Fifty Shades of Grey, Titanic, and more.
Dr Katherine Hertlein, analyzed sex scenes from seven different films and gave the low-down on what she says are red flags to watch out for.
Hertlein – who works in the Couple & Family Therapy Program at the University of Nevada, and is the lead advisor at sex therapy app Blueheart – also gave tips on how to ensure you and your partner have the best experience possible.
She notes that despite depictions in films and TV, sexual encounters are not always shown to be "realistic."
Hertlein emphasized the need for communication and consent, and noted that fumbling is completely normal during sexual encounters – especially when it's the first time with a new partner.
1. Titanic
Hertlein gave the low-down on the iconic scene from the 1997 film, starring Kate Winslet as Rose Dewitt Bukater and Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack Dawson.
The doctor says although romantic, Jack and Rose's intimate moment in the back of a car as they're sneaking around the ship over-romanticizes what is "almost certainly" Rose's "first sexual encounter."
"Despite the sex being consensual, and both parties enthusiastic, the film depicts an overly romanticised experience of first-time sex, with no signs of pain or nervousness," Hertlein said.
She emphasized the need for communication.
“Having sex for the first time should be a process of taking it slow, checking in on your partner, and making sure the person losing their virginity (via penetrative sex) is comfortable," Hertlein said.
She added: "As first times go, this is markedly unrealistic and there is usually some awkwardness, due to lack of experience which is normal," Hertlein said.
2. Basic Instinct
Analyzing a number of scenes in the 1992 movie, Hertlein noted the amount of times Nick Curran (Michael Douglas) and his partners climax at the same time – which she said is not a realistic depiction.
"Climaxing at different times is very common and has nothing to do with the quality of sex, it’s just how our bodies work!" Hertlein said.
She says people should not feel bad if they don't reach climax at the same time as their partner.
Hertlein added it's "important to remember that not every person is highly vocal when they have sex and not every person looks flawless when they climax."
She urges communication, rather than depending solely on vocal or visual cues to tell if your partner has cllimaxed.
3. Blue is The Warmest Colour
Analyzing the 2013 LGBTQ drama, Hertlein said that Adele’s (Adèle Exarchopoulos) first sexual encounter with Emma (Léa Seydoux) is "unrealistic."
She noted that Adele's first depiction of sex with a man "shows nervous fumbling and the awkwardness that might come with having sex for the first time."
Hertlein said there would likely be fumbling and a bit of awkwardness in her first encounter with a woman, too – rather than what she dubbed a "passionate, erotic sex that seem to be for dramatic effect as opposed a realistic depiction…"
"There is no right way to enjoy sex, but this considering this is Adele’s first time with a woman, it can be considered a little unrealistic," Hertlein said.
"The scene comes across as melodramatic, rather than accurately representing what would happen between two female lovers when they are exploring sex for the first time.”
4. Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy
Although the Fifty Shades trilogy featuring BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) sex scenes gained a bit of a cult following, Hertlein said the depictions are problematic as they feature "non-consensual power play."
She said character Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) "seems to regularly neglect the rules and boundaries when it comes to sex and enthusiastic consent" during scenes with Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson).
"There are healthy ways to conduct consensual BDSM, if that’s what you enjoy, but these are not portrayed in the film," Hertlein said.
Hertlein said that Anastasia "often says yes because she's afraid to speak her mind or fears it will negatively affect her relationship with Christian."
She said this is "a form of emotional abuse" and can be harmful.
"This is a dangerous narrative to be pushing and one that sends the wrong message for those who are new to BDSM and mature relationships," Hertlein said.
She emphasized the need for consent, communication, and boundaries in BDSM.
"In real-life scenarios involving BDSM there need to be clearly defined boundaries, safe words and regularly enthusiastic consent from both parties about what’s happening," Hertlein said.
She added: "BDSM also requires a certain level of emotional maturity which is not displayed within these sex scenes.”
5. Moonlight
Analyzing the 2015 film Moonlight, Hertlein said rather than showing "red flags," the film shows a healthy encounter between the partners.
The film follows two men – Chiron (played as a child by Alex Hibbert, as an adolescent by Ashton Sanders, and adult by Trevante Rhodes); and Kevin (played as a child by Jaden Piner, an adolescent by Jharrel Jerome, and an adult by André Holland) – as they grow up and discover their sexuality.
Hertlein said as the Kevin and Chiron have sex for the first time on a beach after discussing their feelings, it gives a more accurate representation of how emotions and vulnerability can go hand-in-hand with sexual encounters.
"The conversation is a sentimental one and emphasises Kevin’s insecurities with opening up due to his shame of his sexuality and his emotional immaturity," Hertlein said, noting that neither had "fully" acknowledged his sexuality before.
"The scene shows how sex requires trust, vulnerability, and how both our upbringing and culture can result in sexual shame – evidenced when Chiron apologises for climaxing."
She noted as both men – who are black – faced oppression growing up, the scene reveals two important points.
"The scene itself is a true depiction of how sexual encounters follow on from moments when we are allowed to open up and be vulnerable, as opposed to the grand gestures of romance commonly shown in films," Hertlein said.
"Additionally, it shows how fulfilling romantic relationships are not always a meet-cute – they can be unconventional and unexpected.”
6. When Harry Met Sally
Hertlein said the 1989 rom-com starring Meg Ryan as Sally Albright and Billy Crystal as Harry Burns has a red flag: poor communication.
"After a build-up of tension, Harry and Sally finally have sex, but their lack of communication afterwards results in both of them feeling confused, deflated and unsure of where they stand with each other," Hertlein said.
"Instead of discussing how they’re feeling with each other, they turn to friends."
She emphasized that people are "terrible talking about" sex, and encourages having open and honest conversations.
“Having those conversations about sex and your feelings can sometimes be daunting but need to be had so that both you and your partner know where you stand and what you both expect," Hertlein said.
7. Normal People
Looking at Season 1, Episode 2 of the Hulu/BBC original series, Hertlein said it also shows healthy depiction of sexual encounters.
She noted that Marianne (Daisy Edgar-Jones) and Connell (Paul Mescal) are shown practicing good communication, and using and safer sex practices.
“This episode portrays their first sex scene together and it ticks a lot of boxes," Hertlein said.
"This sex scene doesn’t over-romanticize or downplay the build-up to sex or the awkwardness that can come with having sex with someone new.
"There are displays of consent, we see them using contraception, and they regularly check-in on the other," she added.
Hertlein said this is "a much more accurate depiction" of a person having sex for the first time than Titanic.
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